Christian Love = A Selfless Proposition

1 Corinthians 13
The Greatest Gift
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Instead of trying to “find the one”, be “the one”. Previously in this relationship series, I established that when we are seeking Christian relationships, we ought to first ask God to examine us (Psalm 26) and reveal to us the hidden strongholds, sins, and shortcomings that prevent us from being Godly boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses. Then, we ask Him to prepare us spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to embrace and cherish the wonderful lover He has in store for us, given we have been obedient to His command.

Now, I want to talk about a fundamental characteristic of Christian relationships that people very often overlook, undervalue, and flat-out ignore.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 gives us a beautiful definition for Godly love, whether it be romantic, brotherly, sisterly, familial, or neighborly love. It accurately describes the Father’s love for us, despite our iniquities. It says,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What a breathtaking depiction of everything love should be! These passages offer the perfect blueprint for a Christian relationship. However, in this installment, I will focus on selflessness. Of course! This characteristic makes a lot of sense when discussing a Godly relationship, but why is it so often blatantly ignored?
Selflessness. We all know selflessness to be generosity, sacrifice, and altruism, and obviously a good spouse has a very good dose of it. But in the dating process, here’s where we go 180° in the wrong direction! As sinners and as self-gratifying creatures, we seek our own interests first. I know I sound a bit harsh, but let me give you a scenario.

A guy is currently in a relationship with a girl. She is beautiful, intelligent, Godly, and trustworthy. I promise you, more times than not, that guy evaluates his relationship with the girl by “what he gets out of the relationship”. He looks like a definite stud with that looker on his arm, and his girl is the envy of all of his friends. His gal only fuels his reputation. And with his reputation comes happiness. Right? Or maybe he’s lonely. Does he like having her around for the companionship? Is love for him just a feeling? A thrill?

If you are truly honest with yourself, most people can’t tell me that they don’t think this way. Now, I’m not saying companionship and reputation are bad things, but if that’s the reason you choose to be in a relationship with someone, you are seeking self-gratification. You are only looking to please yourself, or rather please someone else in order to please yourself. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us that love is “not self-seeking”; the verse therefore directly condemns self-gratification in relationships.

So what does selflessness in a Godly relationship look like? Instead of looking at how much he or she has to gain from a relationship, a person should seek God’s discernment and wisdom to “serve” his or her partner. “Serve” might not sound like a glamorous word, but true Christian selflessness is service performed without the incentive of reward. This isn’t the stock market! I’ll go ahead and tell you in first-person, because that’s the strongest way I know how. I shouldn’t be looking at how much I will lose or gain by being in a relationship with a girl; I should be focused squarely on her needs – spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, regardless of the ramifications on my reputation, on my finances, or on my convenience. If I truly love her, selflessness is a mandated principle that I must obey for a successful relationship.

If you can focus on exercising selflessness, I promise you. You’ll be taking major steps towards “being the one” I talked about earlier; more than likely, you’ll have met the one if your actions in “being the one” are reciprocated. True Christian love is a give-and-take proposition; I’m telling you that you’ll be headed in the right direction as long as you’re eyes are focused primarily on the “give” part. Your partner is a means for you to glorify Christ, as He gave you and me the ultimate sacrifice despite our undeserving. Instead of focusing on how much you may have already sacrificed, focus on how much you more you have left to “give”. Love is a choice; true Christian love is unconditional. Sacred. Selfless.

A Dose of Quality Control

Some but not all of the qualities of a Christian boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Enjoy!

GIRL - my cousin along with a couple church friends first coined this one. A favorite. Definitely.

Godliness - God is FIRST and FOREMOST.

Integrity - Uncorruptible, adheres to God's laws

Righteousness - She is "fruitful" in the spirit, conducting herself as a woman of God

Lovingkindness - Mercy and generosity, unselfishness


GUYS - Being a guy, a few of the qualities I would want a self-respecting woman of God to look for in myself.

Godliness - Again, I'll say it again. God is FIRST and FOREMOST.

Unshakeable faith - As a husband, the God-ordained leader of his household, leading not with force, but with love and constant communication with God.

Yieldedness - Obeying God during difficult trials and tribulations.

Selflessness - Willing to make the sacrifices necessary to lead and love his family.

The Dating Game = A Perfect Science?

Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

How often do we forget to "obey God and leave the consequences to Him". We forget so often that God has already promised us access to His wonderful, purposeful, and, must I not forget, PERFECT, plan for our lives. God also promises that our endeavors to follow our worldly desires will ALWAYS FAIL.

A popular college scenario = broken relationships. A guy or girl will tell me, "I've never met a person so wonderful, so amazing. I don't know if I'll ever find that again."

Now before I continue, may I remind all of us college students...

The ABC's of Christian Dating...
A... A Christian - Christians should ALWAYS date other Christians, and they shall be "equally yoked"
B... Be aware of your emotions
C... Constant communication with God

*God being one's #1 priority

Without the ABC's of Christian dating, as mentioned previously, your relationship will not be in compliance with God's plan for you. No compliance with God = DOOMED for failure!

Now continuing.
A classic statement - "I don't know if I'll ever find someone that amazing ever again."
How many times do we hear this on a college campus? If you're in college, you need not answer aloud.

Romans 8:28 promises us that with obedience and surrender to God's plan for our lives, He will NEVER CHEAT US. I promise you, friend. If you are 100% surrendered to God, HE WILL NOT SHORTHAND YOU! Relationship-wise, God will pair you with the person PERFECT for you. Or maybe you will be called to singularity. For now, or maybe for life.
And yes. God DOES call young men and women to be SINGLE. Our society has made being single "not the cool thing to do" or "the super lame Facebook status of the year." Most certainly God calls singles to give of their time and lovingkindness as He prepares them to be Godly boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses, but even moreso good and faithful servants. Very underrated, and very underappreciated.

Another aside. A friend from church once told me that instead of trying to find "the one", be "the one". Profound. Very profound.

Evaluate yourself. Could God be witholding "the one" from you because you aren't "being the one"? Think about it.

Girls (and guys, too), think about this quote from Maya Angelou.
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."
Although Angelou addresses women in particular, her principle applies to both sexes. Is God your #1 priority? Is God on the throne in your life, or has He taken the back seat to your romantic and even family relationships?

Are you being "the one"? Answer for yourself.

Take home message - you WILL find PEACE and JOY from obedience to God, because "all things work together for good to them that love God."